The Affordable Porsche Crisis

Earlier this week, Mayor Turner announced a new program to address the affordable Porsche crisis. Citing the inability of most Houstonians to afford a Porsche, Turner’s plan will provide subsidies to any family making less than $250,000 per year. “Herbert Hoover talked about putting a chicken in every pot,” Turner said smugly. “I’m going to put a Porsche in every driveway.”

Turner said that Houston is a city of inclusion, and the inability to afford an expensive automobile makes many Houstonians feel isolated and “less than.” He said that the program would spur economic development and create jobs, and he offered a report from his sixth-grade granddaughter to support that claim.

Turner acknowledged that the four existing Porsche dealerships in Houston wouldn’t be able to handle the increased demand. However, he said that he was in secret negotiations with “some pretty powerful dudes” and was confident more dealerships would be opening soon.

An activist group that has been noisily working behind the scenes cautiously applauded Turner’s plan. “It’s a good start,” said a spokesman. “But the maintenance costs of Porsches are notoriously high. The mayor will need to address that issue somewhere down the road.”

Critics were quick to point out that the estimated cost of the program–$2.3 billion over three years—is equal to the city’s annual budget. “It would be far less expensive to subsidize BMWs,” said one member of City Council. “Just because people want to drive a Porsche doesn’t mean the city should subsidize it. If someone really wants to drive a Porsche, maybe he should improve his job skills.”

Current Porsche owners weren’t happy with Turner’s announcement. “I have worked hard to be able to afford a luxury automobile,” said one owner. “And now the mayor wants to tax me so that others can enjoy what they haven’t earned. That’s a gross injustice.”

The mayor was undeterred by the criticisms. “As Mayor,” he said, “my job is to ensure that every Houstonian gets everything he wants whether he deserves it or not.” He added that he expected that City Council would support his plan as soon as they see their new 911 Turbo Cabriolet in the driveway.

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