A New Statue Controversy

This week, a new statue controversy erupted in Houston. A local organization by the name of An Unnamed Group came out against the removal of statues commemorating the Confederacy. Instead, they proposed erecting monuments to honor Joseph Stalin, Mao Zedung, Pol Pot, Fidel Castro, Che Guevara, and other defenders of “the little people.”

“Slavery in the American South was a horrible institution,” said a spokesman for the group. “But let’s be honest. Stalin, Mao, and Castro practiced slavery on an unimaginable scale. And they weren’t racist about it. They enslaved everyone. If we are going to celebrate the institution of slavery, let’s honor its greatest practitioners.” The group proposed that, in keeping with the theme, Houstonians be conscripted to build the monuments with materials seized from local businesses.

At a meeting with reporters to discuss his plans to raise taxes, Mayor Turner voiced opposition to the proposal. “We shouldn’t be using taxpayer money to honor slavery. We should be using the money that we take from productive Houstonians to provide food, housing, and health care for those who refuse to work.”

Members of An Unnamed Group were not deterred by the mayor’s position. “He is proposing $495 million in new bonds, much of which isn’t earmarked for any specific purpose. We think that he could use some of that money to build gigantic statues.”

Defenders of Confederate statues seemed confused by the proposal. “Confederate soldiers died for states’ rights, not slavery,” said one. “They believed that each state should decide if it wanted slavery or not, rather than have that decision imposed upon them.” The fact that the Confederate states all wanted slavery and feared its abolition, he said, was just a coincidence and had nothing to do with the Civil War.

An Unnamed Group plans to launch a petition drive to put the issue before voters in November. They are currently collecting cans from along Houston’s roads to raise funds. They said that anyone wishing to make a donation can simply throw a six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon out of their car window on the way to work.

 

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